Questions to oneself are the most important ones to answer. — In the past 130+ years, psychology has made an enormous contribution to civilization, yet many people have only a superficial familiarity with its discoveries. Doctor George likes to apply psychology to the problems people have in their everyday lives, and he hopes to provide his readers an original perspective on issues and problems to help them gain a deeper understanding of themselves and others.

Doctor George (a.k.a., George Lough, pronounced "how") has been in practice for more than forty years. His treatment specialties, based on years of professional training, include: relationship issues, depression, anxieties, fears, and life coaching.

As a psychology professor and author, Doctor Lough uses his years of professional experience, personal challenges, and knowledge of theory and research to understand his clients' lives. Experienced in Jungian, Behavioral and Object Relations therapies, he uses whatever techniques are best suited for each individual in a manner that is empathic, and yet gently confrontive, to provide insights in a helpful way.

The people who see Doctor Lough have usually reached a point in their lives of wanting to attain a deeper understanding of themselves, their behaviors, their feelings, and their potential. Some come to therapy to resolve issues from their childhood: troubling issues that interfere with their productivity, their relationships, and their overall happiness. They work with Doctor Lough to transform the negative models of relationships, that they internalized while growing up in dysfunctional families, into productive behaviors and rewarding results.

The work is challenging, and sometimes uncomfortable, but Doctor Lough (himself having grown up in a dysfunctional family and thus contending with his own problems, anxieties, fears, angers, and mistakes in relationships), brings gentleness and empathy to help people feel they have an ally in their struggle to transform their lives and to both realize and become the people they are truly meant to be.

George Lough, Ph.D.
(818) 980-0606

There are some things that Doctor George needs to make sure you know…

1) Doctor George is not a physician or medical doctor and he does not give any medical advice or answer any medical questions. For answers to medical questions please contact a physician or medical doctor.

2) Doctor George's answers represent his professional perspective. They're not advice, per se, nor are they meant to take the place of psychotherapy or the advice or treatment of a psychotherapist or physician. Please seek professional assistance whenever appropriate and whenever you have specific psychological or medical concerns.

3) Although Doctor George's answers are in response to specific questions, those questions are a springboard for discussing a variety of topics and issues, and for Doctor George to share his perspective in those matters. In that way, Doctor George's answers are only for general informational purposes and are not intended for any specific individual.

4) Entering the Doctor George's website does not create, establish, or constitute a doctor-patient relationship with Doctor George, nor does the submission of any questions or communication in any manner (via email, U.S. Mail, or any other form) create, establish, or constitute a doctor-patient relationship with Dr. George.

5) All website visitors are responsible for their own interpretation of what Doctor George says, and it is incumbent upon them to determine whether it might or might not be appropriate to their particular situation. Thus, if you do decide to take an action that is based on or inspired by Doctor George's perspective, you agree to hold Doctor George blameless for any results: good or bad. If the advice results in your making tons of money, or in some other way benefiting, you are not obligated to give Doctor George credit or provide a percentage or commission. Likewise, if your actions result in a loss, you are obligated to not hold Doctor George culpable.

I am a habitual pot smoker. I drink alcohol, but I don't do any other drugs. I realize that the weed affects my motivation and I want to change my habits, but as a 10 year regular (most daily) smoker, it's tough. When I go without it, I don't sleep well. I have vivid dreams and wake up frequently. I also get quite anxious at times. Should I get some anti-anxiety meds to ease the transition? I feel like if I had a better understanding or explanation of my habits I could develop a better way of dealing. Any literature you recommend?

It's a good sign that you are uncomfortable with your habit, because while you're getting wasted your life is wasting away. Doctor George wants to give you credit for being willing to consider that your habit is getting in the way of moving your life forward.

There are many types of "drugs," excessive work, excessive sports, etc. Doctor George knows about this firsthand and this type of conversation is right up his alley. Drug habits can develop out of the motive of trying to soothe oneself, to deaden emotional pain one feels-people's excessive drug use may be an attempt to self-medicate. Whether anti-anxiety medication would be helpful is a question for a physician to answer, preferably an M. D. psychiatrist who is familiar with this area.

Using drugs, in whatever form, to avoid the problems in our lives doesn't work because if we don't allow ourselves to feel our pain and deal with our emotional conflicts we can't grow and overcome them. But it is hard to do this alone-that's why 12 step addiction programs can be helpful. Not to imply that you're an addict, but you have a habit that is significantly interfering with the life you want to live. And it is difficult to stop habits like this all by oneself.

Doctor George doesn't have any literature to recommend for this problem. He thinks, rather, that in cases like this the help of a trained psychotherapist may provide the comfort of human understanding that could help "ease the transition," as you so aptly put it. With a therapist one can discuss issues in one's life that have been avoided, past experiences that have not been resolved and painful emotions that need to be processed.

You mentioned that you have "vivid dreams." Doctor George has a long-standing interest in the meaning of dreams and has seen how dreams can reveal truths from deep within the mind that can give people crucial insights into the direction their lives should take. When one recalls dreams it can be helpful for one to consult a therapist who is experienced in the language of dreams.

It's a difficult and scary thing to break habits and go ahead and allow ourselves to change. But when we have the intention to make our lives better then we often find that the inner strength and outer help we need are available for us.

My wife says I have anger issues. I've always thought of myself as a mild-mannered guy, and my friends have told me that I never seem to get angry. But, I've been yelling at drivers on the road and feeling sick in the pit of my stomach. I don't know why but I seem to be getting more and more upset over relatively minor incidents. Do you think my wife is right?

Temper outbursts often happen to the most "mild-mannered" people.

When we make too many sacrifices we get resentful-then one little thing can touch us off. Doctor George suspects that you've been biting your tongue in response to little things that bother you. The excuse you use for not saying anything is that the issue is so minor. But it bothers you and you haven't been admitting it. Eventually, all those little issues build up.

When people do things that annoy you, or ask you to do something that really isn't convenient, do you a find a way to tell them, or do you stuff down your feelings and act like everything is okay to avoid an unpleasant confrontation?

When you find yourself getting angry over relatively minor incidents, you can use the sensation of anger as a barometer. Those feelings are telling you something. If you learn how to respond, in the moment, they don't have to escalate into something explosive.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself: Do you express your opinion when something occurs that you feel is unfair? Are you ignoring your own needs to take care of others' needs, and then resenting it when they don't take your needs into account? As we learn to admit to ourselves and others in a conscious and caring way how we truly feel, we may find that we are less likely to have anger that is out of proportion to the situation at hand.

If you don't address these types of situations, it becomes abusive. Your anger will arise against those people whom you feel are abusing you. But, at the core of it, you're abusing yourself by allowing yourself to be treated that way and by considering your own needs to worthy of mention or defense.

When we do finally speak up, we may find that the person is unaware of how they are coming across to others, and when we point it out to them, they may actually change their behavior. As an example of an easily resolved situation, Doctor George was once teaching a class and his administrative boss criticized him in front of the students. Doctor George later brought this up with the boss and the boss apologized. This is a best-case scenario of course.

Some people don't want to face their own mistakes, so it's risky when you tell them something. It's a risk either way, because if you don't say anything and play the "good boy" or "good girl", you may blow up later. No matter what, it's coming out in one form or another. Also, holding in your feelings may lead to poor health, (heart attacks, cancer, and bad behaviors or habits that increase the chances of these diseases). The more you hold on, the more you will ultimately hurt yourself.

My mother-in-law's son is a habitual liar who has gotten into trouble with the law and has physically abused his wife. Since they were using drugs, their two children were taken away by Social Services for a time.

My mother-in-law is both stressed and depressed. She talked to her priest and he told her to cut all ties, but if she does that, she won't be able to see her grandchildren.

What should she do?

The first thing that needs to be said is a general comment for everyone. When kids are involved, they come first. Their protection and needs have to take priority over everything else. Adults, be they parents or others, need to make certain that children are protected physically, emotionally, and in every way possible. That may mean reporting suspected neglect or abuse to the authorities, as has apparently already occurred here (though the situation that you are describing might make one wary that there may be further need for such intervention in the future).

You mentioned that your mother-in-law consulted her priest. That can be helpful, since priests have much experience helping people with family problems. Doctor George often finds that it's useful to seek second opinions (perhaps from other clergy or from a family counselor/psychotherapist). Doctor George is not implying that someone should keep looking until they find the advice that they agree with (because if that's their criterion, there's really not much point seeking advice) but there's nothing wrong with hearing another perspective and, perhaps, discovering another possibility. Often times, when we hear similar advice from two different sources, we can feel more comfortable with not second-guessing ourselves.

Since your mother-in-law was not the one writing to Doctor George, let's talk about people who are in your situation. Doctor George certainly understands how frustrating it is to observe these sorts of circumstances without being able to do anything about them. It's hard to see someone suffer, especially where children and grandchildren are concerned. One thing that we can know is that our empathy and support are helpful even if there are no direct actions we can take. Our kindness, our concern, our listening, our taking the person out to eat (or including them in other activities that get their mind off of their problems) can also be wonderful contributions. It also helps to invite people to talk about their problems while not forcing them or constantly bringing up the topic.

There is a potential difficulty in getting too emotionally involved in someone else's problems. We often feel as if we can solve the other person's problems for them, but this is rarely possible. We usually do not have the power to change another person's life circumstances, which, in many cases, have developed over years and years. People generally need to make major life decisions for themselves. Our psychological development requires that we learn how to work out our own problems. Whether raising children, or involving ourselves in the lives of friends and colleagues, the more we do for them, the less able they are to subsequently handle matters on their own. It creates a dependency on the person who is solving the problem. If the problem solver wants that, then their motives should be examined. There are some good books on this subject, such as Melody Beattie's Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.

It's always important to maintain proper psychological boundaries and not fall into what family therapists refer to as enmeshment with others. There is a fine line between healthy empathy and dysfunctional over-involvement with other peoples' problems. We can tell when we are getting overly-involved if we're driven or compelled to be helpful, and if we find ourselves frustrated when the other person is not taking our advice and doing exactly what we suggest.

As you know, Doctor George cannot give direct advice to people who write in, so he doesn't mean to imply that you are overly or inappropriately involved. The situation, that you described, is certainly very sad and worthy of your concern. It is always difficult when we cannot directly reduce the suffering of others, but we should know that our concern and love can be the northern star for people who need it.

Best of luck to you and your mother in-law.

I find myself getting really angry about things.

Making a list of the incidents that make you angry is a great way to become more aware of yourself and ultimately to understand why you have the feelings you do.

Anger arises in various contexts. First, there is righteous or justified anger that is a universal reaction to injustice, such as discrimination, or child abuse. Second, there is instinctual anger that protects our survival and that of our family members (even infants have the capacity to become angry). The third type is personalized anger that occurs when we interpret a situation as a threat to ourselves (whether or not it actually is) and react with anger that is out of proportion to the situation. This type of anger has its roots in past experiences we've had and our resulting beliefs about ourselves.

For instance, let's say someone calls you an idiot. If you have any doubt about your intelligence, you'll agree or be afraid they are right, get embarrassed, and then defend yourself with anger. On the other hand, if you're completely confident in your intelligence, you might be puzzled for a second, figure they're confused or imperceptive, or realize it's a ploy and, no matter what, not feel implicated in the least. This is even true if you actually were behaving like an idiot. Our anger can flare up if we believe someone else's premise, (or our assumption of what their premise is). Thus the root of personalized anger is usually fear of something being confirmed.

Part of the explanation for your angry reaction to the cyclist may be masculine socialization. The cyclist's honking probably made you afraid. (Fear is an innate reaction to an unidentified loud noise.) You may have felt afraid for the safety of your family also (instinctual anger). Men are socialized not to express fear — it makes them feel weak and vulnerable — but anger is considered more acceptable.

Doctor George noticed that your anger list involved situations in which you felt disrespected. Being hypersensitive to disrespect (real or imagined) occurs when we do not appropriately respect ourselves. Personalized anger may occur when we superimpose memories from earlier experiences onto present situations. Childhood experiences of negative parental criticism, for example, can cause low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence, making it difficult for us to properly respect ourselves. In that case we believe the other persons' premise that we are not worthy of respect, (typically the other anonymous person, like the honking cyclist, is not disrespecting us personally because they don't even know us).

Understanding what makes us angry and reflecting on our personal histories can help reduce the force of our anger. It is important to realize that we don't have to keep feeling the way we have habitually felt; we can decide to change our reactions once we understand where they are coming from and that the current situation does not have to be a replication of negative experiences from the past. Indulging in personalized anger keeps us stuck in the past and wastes our creativity. Anger can be harnessed for creativity, but this will have to be a subject for a future column. Doctor George wishes you success in working on your anger.

I am a man in my late fifties and I want to know what can I do about free-floating anxiety? I have tried prescription drugs, exercise, and deep breathing. Any other suggestions?

By "free-floating" anxiety Doctor George assumes that you are referring to a kind of a fear that isn't connected to any known object or situation; you feel anxious for no apparent reason.

Any kind of anxiety is an unpleasant feeling and, perhaps, especially so when you don't know the cause. It may make you feel slightly better to learn that anxiety problems are very prevalent in the U.S., so you are not alone.

We may be more prone to free-floating anxiety if we are not adequately processing our feelings about past and present painful experiences and stressors. The pain may come back to haunt us in the form of anxiety that seems to have no obvious cause. However, Doctor George has found that when people talk about their anxiety during counseling, various things emerge as causes.

As a man in your late fifties, you are going through the normative physical, psychological and social changes of late middle age, such as retirement, financial problems, children leaving home, the deaths of parents, and the deaths of friends and acquaintances. In addition, there are diminishing physical abilities and the growing awareness of one's own mortality. Many of these changes involve feelings of loss and grief: feelings that need to be felt and expressed.

Also, these present stressors can be layered on top of older, painful experiences from childhood that are difficult to identify, but that can cause chronic excessive anxiety. For example, if a person grew up in an alcoholic family, suffered some form of abuse, or had a dysfunctional family with poor communication and a chaotic environment, then they may be more likely to experience feelings of anxiety as an adult.

Learning to adequately process painful feelings of hurt, anger and sadness should ideally start in childhood. A good parent provides the child with empathy for what the child feels, and helps to sooth the child's pain. From this parental care, the child creates an internal mental representation of the soothing parent and learns to sooth himself. But, if our parents didn't do this for us, we are left with a deficit in processing and soothing our painful feelings.

When we have tried various ways to deal with our anxiety, but these haven't worked, then it may be helpful to see a therapist who can give us the empathy and understanding we need. From a sensitive and responsive therapist, we may be able to internalize the soothing presence that we missed in childhood.

Also, if we haven't wept in a long time, tension and anxiety can build up and it can be a great relief just to cry as much as we need to. It is important that our pain and our heart-felt expression of it be witnessed by another person as this helps us not feel so alone, and it gives us an experience of the empathy and human compassion we need (so that we can gradually learn to give it to ourselves).

Doctor George hopes this has been helpful to you and that you are able to experience relief from your anxiety and find peace in your soul.

My husband and I have been married for 10 years and we have a good relationship. My problem is that I get anxious when he has to go on occasional business trips. I get very worried something bad will happen to him. One time, I sat at the kitchen table just trembling in fear. But when I know he has safely reached his destination, I relax and am okay. I felt the same way when my children started preschool. What is wrong with me?

The feelings you describe are consistent with a problem called separation anxiety. This is the recurrent, excessive fear of losing a person with whom we have an emotional attachment. Such fears of loss and separation are truly miserable feelings to have and, even when we know they are irrational, they can still interfere with our lives.

People have separation anxiety to greater and lesser degrees. It comes out in small ways in everyday life, such as when we use our cell phones like electronic umbilical cords to avoid feelings of being alone.

Separation anxiety occurs in childhood because infants and young children are physically and emotionally dependent on their parents. For them, the fear is a literal one as in, "If I lose this person I won't survive." If we have not outgrown this fear by the time we are adults, it may be because of earlier painful separations from a parent that we never got over. The earlier in life such absences occur, and the longer their duration, the more insecure we become in our relationships because we haven't developed the confidence that the other person will be available when we need them.

Separation fears may develop not only because of parental absence but also when a parent is psychologically enmeshed with their child. In the latter case, the overly-involved parent attempts to maintain constant connection in order to sooth their own anxieties. The child absorbs the parent's worries and comes to excessively fear separations from the parent, without learning to tolerate being alone and developing healthy autonomy. This child may, for example, strongly resist being with a baby sitter or staying with relatives while the parents go away for a weekend. When starting school, this child may have extended periods of crying, clinging, headaches, and stomachaches: symptoms which may indicate separation anxiety.

As adults, it is important to know that our excessive fears of separation cause problems in our relationships, since the other person can feel burdened and constrained by our anxiety. To understand and minimize our separation anxiety, it is important to make a connection between our current feelings and our past experience. We may search our own memories and make use of information about the past that is supplied by family members and others who know our history. A friend and/or a therapist may help us talk it out. In whatever way we choose to explore our feelings, perhaps the most important thing is to learn that our fears and worries are not caused simply by the absence of our loved one, but by previous emotional experiences that we carry within us.

My daughter is a college sophomore. When she was home for Spring Break, she told me was worried about a resume she had to write for a homework assignment, and she asked me to help her with it. After I looked over what she had written, and commented on what was wrong with it, she started arguing with me. I told her I wouldn't be able to help her if she wouldn't listen to me, and then she started to cry. I don't understand. All I wanted to do was help her improve her writing. What can I do about her being so sensitive and how can help I her without so much aggravation?

Doctor George appreciates that you were sincerely interested in helping your daughter. He knows that, from your perspective, your daughter's response seems unreasonable.

First of all, your daughter may have reacted negatively because you started off negatively. As you said in your note, you "commented on what was wrong." Before trying to help your daughter with constructive criticism, you could have told her what was good about her writing and what you liked. Then you could have mentioned your suggestions. By focusing on your daughter's feelings, you can let her know that your relationship with her is more important than any assignment will ever be.

Secondly, by focusing on the resume, itself, you might have overlooked your daughter's anxiety: not only about the assignment but also about the larger significance of writing a resume. Being half-way through college, she's approaching a time when she'll have to get a job and support herself. That's a daunting prospect for any young adult, especially in this day and age. You could help by bringing up the discussion and talking it out with her, perhaps validating and soothing her anxious feelings.

Thirdly, since your daughter is at the age when she wants to be able to do things for herself, she might have felt humiliated by having to ask her daddy for help. She might have also sensed the irony. On one hand, she was considering her future as an adult while, on the other hand, she was having to ask her daddy for help. Arguing with you was a way of asserting her independence (at a time that she was feeling dependent). Understanding her dilemma might make you feel less aggravated.

At your daughter's stage of development, the task of parenting shifts from telling your children what to do to becoming more of a consultant. In that role, you want to let your children guide you into giving the help they need (which isn't often the same as the help you think they need).

As a parent, Doctor George empathizes with you. Parenting is definitely one of the hardest (and sometimes confusing) jobs anyone can perform. While it lasts, in some form, for your entire life, it's incredibly rewarding. Seeing your child mature into a capable person is one of its greatest delights.

People have different orientations. Some tend to be more logical and theoretical, while others place a higher priority on peoples' feelings and their relationships. It's often hard for these opposite types to understand each other. As a parent, it's your job to recognize your child's orientation. The same is true if you're a boss, supervisor, or leader. If you want to discover whether you're a thinking, feeling, sensing, or intuitive type of personality, you can take a free online survey: the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). You can click here to take the test and get a description of your type. You can click here for more technical information about psychological types.

How often do you write your columns? Does it sometimes feel like a burden? I find that once I start something, I get compulsive about doing it. For example, to feel healthier, I started jogging three times a week. Now, I'm doing it every day, even when my knees hurt and I don't feel like it. How do you regulate the things you do?

When Doctor George first began writing his columns, he kept to a strict schedule with a deadline for getting one column done by the end of every week. That's because he couldn't trust himself just to write whenever he felt like it because he often wouldn't feel like it and then the writing wouldn't get done. The strict schedule built up the discipline to get the website off the ground. After firmly establishing his schedule, there were times when Doctor George didn't feel like writing. If he wrote anyway, his effort would be focused on the deadline rather than out of inspiration and desire. That's because the deadline, itself, had become the goal rather than the joy of writing a useful column. This was when Doctor George realized that he had to cut himself some slack, not to compulsively adhere to his original, self-imposed deadline.

Whenever we are starting a new project, before our momentum has been established, we usually need to kick ourselves into gear. A good metaphor might be the stages of rocket launching into space. On take-off, huge fuel cells are needed to break the pull of gravity. Then, smaller engines can take over. The same is true for our pursuits. Dissatisfaction might be our initial catalyst (like your wanting to feel healthier). But, after you're in motion, your "fuel" needs to change from dissatisfaction to inspiration. Otherwise, you can end up hurting yourself, which is ironic since your initial goal was to be healthier.

As stated, you were dissatisfied with your physical condition and/or concerned that you weren't living a healthy life. So, you conditioned yourself and established a discipline. Your compulsion might come from feeling worried that if you don't do it every day, you'll quit it all together. The danger, now, is you'll begin to feel burned out and also might increase the risk of an over-use injury. If we use the rocket fuel metaphor, it might be time to glide a little on the after-burners, to run when you feel like running, out of the pure love and enjoyment of it. Ideally, you want to be running because you enjoy it, not to fulfill some self-imposed mental goal (just like Doctor George had to realize when it came to his writing deadline). Being inspired feels much better. If running doesn't make you feel that way, then Doctor George recommends exploring other avenues for your physical well-being. There's no reason we can't have both: enjoyment and well-being.

Although a concentrated effort is usually necessary to make things happen in life, we also cannot continue forcing ourselves (without ultimately suffering a consequence). Sometimes, when Doctor George is answering questions, his ideas dry up. If he got worried about having nothing of relevance to say (ever again!), he might try to work harder and find himself getting desperate. Inspiration can't emerge when feeling burned out and/or desperate. Doctor George has found that if he trusts his own internal process, takes a break from writing, and gets involved in the normal activities of daily life (such as washing the dishes, which pleases Mrs. Doctor George), an idea will seem to suddenly pop up out of nowhere. Actually, it's not out of nowhere because the unconscious part of the mind is always working. What we often label as "out of the blue", the "aha-experience", typically happens only after the conscious mind has spent considerable amount of time focusing on and trying to solve the problem. These sorts of sensations come most frequently when we trust ourselves.

I'm 34 years old and have been living with my 38 year-old boyfriend for two years. This was supposed to be a one year trial, before getting married, but things have dragged on even though we get along well. Now I'm getting more and more impatient because I'd like to start a family while I'm still able. I've thought of giving him an ultimatum to either ask me to marry him or leave, but I don't know if that's fair. I really love this guy and he says he loves me, so why won't he commit?

The topic of marriage is often difficult for couples, especially when they're not in sync. Also, since you're already living together, your boyfriend has the benefits of a relationship (such as sexual intimacy and companionship) without the responsibility of commitment.

To get a reading on whether your boyfriend is interested in (and capable of) a long-term commitment, you can start with some of your own observations. For instance, has he made and kept commitments in other areas of his life (such as in his friendships and career)? Is he not taking the relationship to the next level because that sort of avoidance is in his nature in other areas? Is he really interested in marriage and family at this point in is life? Even if he is, many men wait until a woman presses them because of fears of being tied down and losing freedom.

You could ask your boyfriend if he thinks about being married (not counting the times that you bring it up). If so, at what age has he always imagined himself married? Does he want kids? At what age can he imagine himself a father?

Notice whether you're the one who's always bringing up the discussion. For instance, was the condition of the living arrangement your idea and something he just went along with? Whenever you bring up the topic, how does he react? Does he have an excuse for not talking about it? Does he say he'll discuss it later but then never brings it up again?

Answers to all of these questions should give you a better picture of where your boyfriend really stands. If he doesn't really want to be married and have a family, then you've got to ask yourself whether you are willing to stay in this relationship under those conditions. On the other hand, if he says he does want to get married and have a family, but not in the time frame that you feel you need, then an ultimatum might be your only alternative. A one-sided ultimatum might seem unfair, but look to see whether your boyfriend, by virtue of his passive behavior, is giving you an ultimatum of his own. His might be: "Don't bring up marriage and I won't leave you."

Not to scare you, but your concerns are well-founded. According to research by Professor Sharon Sassler of Cornell University, "only about 40 percent of cohabiting couples studied ended up marrying within four to seven years." Believe it or not, men are just as likely as women to be the ones pushing for marriage.

Doctor George understands that it feels risky no matter what you do. If you don't speak up, you risk being too old to have children (and then you could become horribly resentful). If you do speak up, you risk your boyfriend's leaving (and you'd have to start over in your mid-thirties). Which risk should you take? That's a question that only you can answer.

Whatever course you choose to take, Doctor George wishes you the best.

Our son is home from college for the summer. He comes and goes as he pleases at school, but now he doesn't get home when he says he will. I wake up in the middle of the night, worry, and can't get back to sleep. My husband and I don't want to be overly-protective parents, but we don't know we can do to give our son the freedom a 20-year old deserves while allowing me not to worry.

It's a difficult period of transition when a son or daughter comes home from school for vacations. They're accustomed to having a lot of freedom and you're used to having control in your house.

A parent's decision about what kinds of rules to have needs to be based on the particulars of their situation. In making your decision Doctor George has some things for you to think about...

     For instance, you could consider whether your son has been responsible, in the past, with the freedom he had in school. Did he get good grades, for example, while managing in his own time? If so, you're likely to trust him more.

     If your son has a summer job he may need more personal time to be with his friends after work.

     If you have other younger kids at home you may decide to have stricter rules because his behavior sets an example for them.

     If your son's friends and their parents are people you know well and trust, this could also make you feel more comfortable with later hours.

     Doctor George doesn't know if you are younger or older parents, but that could also affect your comfort level since young people tend to stay out later these days than they did in past generations.

     Where you live is another factor that may make a difference in setting a curfew. Living in a big city environment may feel less safe than a quiet rural area where kids are mainly hanging out at each other's homes.

Doctor George suggests considering these sorts of things when making your decision about how late your son should be allowed to stay out. Additionally, these considerations can be generally applied to many other parenting issues, such as what chores your child needs to perform, how clean the house should be, letting them borrow the car, etc.

Once you have thought about your child's behavior, Doctor George humbly suggests also examining your own. There's a point when parents can be overly-protective, when they are fraught with separation anxiety that is lingering on from an earlier stage of their child's development (which is a time when a child rightfully needs constant supervision). Some parents can become neurotic, worrying excessively and constantly fearful of something bad happening. Chances of this are increased if one's own parents were overly anxious, because we all tend to pick up our parent's anxiety. (Overly-anxious parents have been dubbed "helicopter parents" because they hover over their child all the time.) Doctor George is not suggesting that you are in fact being overly protective; just that it never hurts for all us to properly access our role in a given situation. As our children grow up, we need to regularly assess what part of our concerns may be "over the top" and what parts are realistic.

Before discussing these topics with your children, there are a few other things to keep in mind. First of all, it's important for you and your husband to be on the same page. For example, if one of you is more liberal about an issue than the other, then that might require a compromise so that you are both comfortable with the decision. Secondly, in any family discussion of this nature, it's appropriate to validate and acknowledge the things about you child that you are proud of. Rather than only noting examples of where you are concerned or displeased, acknowledge the areas in which your child has taken responsibility. Thirdly, when discussing areas that need improvement, rather than declaring that you're not comfortable and that's that, come up with ways your level of trust can be increased. For instance, maybe your son could TXT you if he's going to be out later than planned. Your phone ringer could be turned off and, if you awoke worried, you could check for messages. Finally, everyone should keep in mind the difference between following rules and being considerate. All of us should be courteous to one another.

Doctor George would like to acknowledge you for caring about establishing appropriate limits for your son while also having an understanding of his growing need for independence. Such empathy and caring are the hallmarks of good parenting.

I'm a superstitious person, so I didn't read your thirteenth question. I was afraid it would be unlucky. Could you please repeat it under a different number so that I could read it?

Your fear of the number 13 is so common that it even has a name: triskaidekaphobia. Doctor George understands that it must make many people feel better to avoid the number 13 because there are lots of examples of avoiding it. For instance, hotel rooms and floors in high-rises go from 12 to 14.

Even if Question 13 had a different number, it would still be the 13th even if we called it the 14th, so we'd just be fooling ourselves. As in the Bard's famous statement about a rose smelling just as sweet under any other name, number 13 under any other name is still number 13.

In a sense the number 13 has had a sacred meaning for our country during its founding. For instance, there were thirteen original colonies, signers of the Declaration of Independence, stripes on our flag. In addition, the back of the dollar has thirteen steps on the Pyramid, letters in, Annuit Coeptis and in E Pluribus Unum, stars above the eagle, bars on the eagle's shield, leaves on the olive branch, fruits, and arrows held in the eagle's left claw.

As Doctor George mentioned, you're not alone in feeling superstitious. For example, imagine a baseball player hitting a game-winning home run after putting on dirty socks because he didn't have any clean ones, hit a game-winning home run, and concluding that his dirty socks were lucky. He then decides to never wear clean ones again. That's a case of mistaking coincidence for causation. The reality is that the baseball player just happened to be wearing a pair of dirty socks when he hit the home run. From that day forth, it may actually be true that the baseball player got more hits while wearing his dirty socks, but that's probably because his superstitious belief gave him confidence. And, if he won't wash the socks, he won't discover what would have happened if he were wearing clean ones. Thus, his superstition is never disproved. Likewise if you avoid reading the 13th question.

Our superstitious fear of something bad happening can also contribute to a bad outcome. For instance, if you had a job interview scheduled for Friday the 13th, your fear that something will go wrong could cause you to become so nervous and uncomfortable that you cannot present your best self. As a result, you could do poorly in the interview, fail to get the job, and blame it on the date. In reality, your poor performance was a self-fulfilling prophecy: you caused the event that you feared.

Superstitions help give some people a sense that they have some control in an essentially uncontrollable world. The thought that we can't control much in our lives causes anxiety. For some, their superstitions help ward off that anxiety. Convinced that something awful will happen, some people develop "obsessive-compulsive disorder". Their attempts to control their fears, compell them to perform rituals, such as compulsively washing their hands to help distract them from their fearful thoughts. Of course, it ultimately doesn't work, since facing one's fears is more effective.

Superstitions extend to not wanting to "jinx ourselves". When things are going well, we won't say something out loud for fear that saying it will hex our good luck – for example. someone saying:"I have never gotten a traffic ticket in twenty years of driving," and then getting a ticket the following day. What sounds more likely among these possibilities? Saying the words magically undid the good luck. Or, given the length of time between tickets, it was statistically likely that one was due – in other words, it was a coincidence. Or, the arrogance that led to bragging about not having a ticket led to careless driving. Or, that overly focusing on not getting a ticket resulted in driving irregularly. Of the four choices, superstitious jinxing is the least probable.

Ultimately, overcoming our superstitions involves dealing with our fear of loss. Unfortunately, life inevitably involves loss: loss of our youth, of people, of pets and, of other things we love. When it comes down to it, we are vulnerable to the vagaries of life. As it says in the Bible, "rain falls on the just and the unjust alike." For some, superstitions are a way to avoid, delay, or not recognize the loss. If we allow ourselves to accept and feel our vulnerability, and if we decide to live fully despite our fears, then superstitions will not rule us.

I've had some past traumas in my life, which I don't feel comfortable revealing here (even though I can remain anonymous). I'm not writing to you to help with that, but I do have a question. My family doesn't believe in therapy and they've been telling me that the past is the past and that I should just get on with my life. I think that's easier said than done, but my family is making me believe that I'm being an overly dramatic wimp. Do you think they're right?

Thank you for writing.

Our society, and perhaps your family, has failed to fully appreciate that traumatic experiences can have bad effects on people that last for decades. The notion is that "time heals all wounds," and that you should "buck up," "get over it," and "snap out of it." These insensitive cliches ignore the reality that some traumatic experiences do not go away on their own.

It's important for us not to judge the way people handle their traumatic pain, nor to try to push them to "face up to it." Trauma victims need to deal with the trauma at their own pace and when they are ready to do so. It is also important to recognize that these people are not malingerers, but are genuinely suffering from a psychological disorder that they cannot control.

Doctor George has become a fan of Somatic Experiencing. It's a psychotherapeutic technique for helping the victims of traumas: natural or man-made disasters, accidents, wars, crimes (like muggings), or childhood abuse. Some traumas are the result of one-time events and others come from chronic situations.

When people encounter danger, their natural reaction is to go into a fight-flight-freeze response. Their heart rate and respiration increases; their blood clotting time decreases; adrenalin is pumped into their bloodstream; and, a high level of arousal and alertness readies the body for a response to the danger. All of this is automatically set into motion by the sympathetic branch of our autonomic nervous system. Once the danger has passed, the parasympathetic branch of our nervous system takes over returns us to our normal, calmer physical and emotional state. That's what happens in the best case scenario.

On the other hand, some traumatic events are too much for people to deal with at the time they occur. Those victims might go into shock, which is the body's way of trying to prevent psychological overload. In those cases, their physiological response literally gets lodged into the nervous system, and the imprint causes problematic behaviors and feelings until addressed. For instance, some people become perpetually angry. That's an embedded fight response to our normal fight-or-flight impulse. Others become anxious. That's the flight response. And, others attempt to make themselves invisible by living marginal lives and going unnoticed. That's the freeze response.

Traumatized people experience a dis-regulation of the nervous system. That means their normal ebb and flow of energy (gradually alternating waves of relaxation and excitement) is disrupted into a roller-coaster pattern that spikes into high activation and then to complete exhaustion. The sufferers are alternately tense and anxious or depleted and tired. They never fully rest and are always feeling on guard to some degree. Additionally, if their trauma involved a loss, they cannot consciously feel sadness nor grieve because they have disassociated their minds from the experience. All of this is a defense against the pain. There are a variety of specific symptoms, such as: anxieties, depression, eating and sleeping problems, hyper-vigilance, etc. This is also what happens in post-traumatic stress disorder. In fact, it was the experience with returning Vietnam and Gulf wars veterans that led the medical and psychological establishments to the recognition of the disorder.

Since trauma lodges itself in the nervous system of the body, Somatic Experiencing therapy helps people become more aware of the physical sensations that they feel. Letting them talk about those sensations and underlying experiences can help the sufferers to re-regulate their nervous systems and release themselves from the fight-flight-freeze response and its symptoms. After that, they are able to grieve and heal. It's an extremely gentle therapeutic technique that allows people the time they need to progress at their own pace. This is why Doctor George has been integrating Somatic Experiencing techniques into this counseling practice and has been able to see how it is helpful to people.

Doctor George wants to acknowledge you for your willingness to deal with the pain from your past, despite the fact that you are not getting social support for it. Others, especially those who have no personal experience with trauma, are not always able to be empathetic with the need for therapy. Your fellow sufferers will tell you that you will know, in your heart, when the time has come to seek healing.

Somatic Experiencing is based on the work of Peter Levine and is explained in his books Waking the Tiger and Healing Trauma, as well as in Gina Ross's Beyond the Trauma Vortex Into the Healing Vortex: A Guide for You. In addition, Laurence Heller discusses the topic in his excellent book: Crash Course: A Self-Healing Guide to Auto Accident Trauma and Recovery.

When my wife and I make love, it is very satisfying for us both. The problem is that she's happy with once a week while I prefer almost every day. In the beginning of our relationship we didn't have this problem, but now my wife tells me she was having sex more often than she wanted just to please me. I've talked to her about it but that's gotten us nowhere. I find this situation very frustrating.

Sex is an essential part of marriage, so it's understandable that you're frustrated by your wife's reducing the amount of sex. It's difficult when one person in a relationship makes a unilateral decision to change something this important. It can feel like false advertising when things change after marriage.

People's sexual drives can go through changes caused by aging, medications, diet, stress and a multitude of other factors. When couples differ in sexual desire, it may help to talk it out in a non-pressuring way. The goal should be understanding one another's feelings without one person trying to manipulate or guilt-trip the other.

In your discussion, there are a number of possible questions you might want to consider. Doctor George is only bringing up some possibilities, so you'll have to decide which of these are appropriate.

Have your wife's feelings for you changed for some reason? Could it be that she is angry or unhappy about something and withholding sex as a punishment? She may not be conscious of this change herself, but her behavior may communicate it. You and she could examine this.

The fact that your wife says she was having sex more than she wanted, but didn't tell you, raises question about the quality of communication in your marriage. Did she feel that you were not open to this conversation? Or, was there some other reason she kept silent? Are there are matters not being discussed?

Conversely, it could be that your wife now feels comfortable, enough to not fake sexual desire (as she apparently did in the beginning). As people get more comfortable with each other, their true natures tend to emerge. If your wife is now acting like she really feels, it might indicate a more genuine relationship. Consistent with this is your statement that when you do make love you both enjoy it.

Another possible issue to consider is whether your wife feels you've treated her like a sex object, disconnecting sex from love, something that is usually distasteful to women. (Men are often able to engage in merely physical sex more easily than women.) So you'd want to investigate the level of romance in your relationship. Are you sensitive to her mood and feelings, or do you say things like, "Hey, are we going to do it tonight?" If so, it is time to revise your communication skills and work on recreating the romance in your relationship.

Men may define success in marriage as having more sex, whereas the overall quality of the relationship can be more important to women. Men and women both need to ask themselves what they believe having more or less sex says about their marriage.

In that same vein, you might ask yourself if your need to have sex, as frequently as you desire, is a way to reassure yourself, instead of it being an expression of your love for your wife. You may be thinking that the more often she'll have sex with you the more she loves you. If you have insecurity about your relationship, it puts undue pressure on the other person. Taking the pressure off might involve sometimes being affectionate without having to complete the sex act.

You said it has gotten you nowhere to talk about the problem. If talking doesn't lead to a resolution, then it can be a good idea to consult a marital therapist. A therapist could potentially help unravel the issues, perhaps leftovers from earlier experiences in your lives that are coming up now, for example.

Doctor George hopes you can work this problem out and resume a mutually satisfying sex life.

I'm very interested in psychology, I'd like to study psychology at the university, but they are telling me that there are no male students in psychology and if there are, they are probably gay. Is this true?

Please I need your answer.

Doctor George did a cursory tabulation of the gender make-up for the 2008-2009 academic year of his undergraduate psychology courses and he found that about 80% of the students were female. As for the remaining 20%, it is unlikely true that all of them are gay. For instance, Doctor George, is a psychologist, and thus a former psychology student, and is married and not gay.

That said, the statistics are not the problem. If you are concerned about being labeled a certain way, and if you burden yourself with stereotypes, you will find yourself defending your choices no matter what you do and no matter what the reality may be.

By its very nature, psychology is a subject that requires us to examine ourselves and our world views. It includes exploring how we acquired those views through our early family relationships. Unlike most areas of study, in psychology, we, the student, are an integral part of the subject that we study. This self-examination can be a heroic quest, sometimes including personal therapy and eventually leading to a career. When you decide to embark on this journey of self-exploration, it's likely, and frankly desirable, that some of your currently held views of life will change. In fact, that's desirable for all study, no matter the subject or when we are studying it.

Whether or not some, most, or all male psychology students are, gay, you need to decide whether your affinity for the study of psychology is greater than your aversion to being associted with women and potentially gay men. You need to ask whether you would like to only be with people who are just like you, or whether you would you like to know people who are different. In other words, would you like broaden your views or stick with the ones you already have? Would you like to pursue your dream — if it is a dream — or have your life's actions dictated by what other people might or might not think?

We all have fears of various types and degrees when we are embarking upon a new venture. In his The Hero With a Thousand Faces, Joseph Campbell describes the first stage of the hero's journey as going beyond the boundaries of the community, a journey into the wilderness. This entering into the unknown is a feared action that takes us outside of the protection of our ordinary world and exposes us to unknown dangers. In myths worldwide, it is represented by the hero's being attacked by beasts. On ancient maps uncharted geographical areas were labeled Hic abundant Leones ("Here there are many lions."). The unknown was automatically considered bad. In the case of entering a university, and becoming a psychology major, one of the "beasts" is the fear of encountering people who are different than ourselves. When we are grounded in who we are, we have no fear of encountering other views. That leaves us free to explore. On the other hand, when we are afraid of who we are, we have to protect ourselves from exposure.

These are some of the fundamentals of psychology. The better you are at asking these questions for and of yourself, the better you will be as a psychologist.

As obvious as it may seem, in whatever we choose to do in life, it is always important to ask ourselves what we are trying to accomplish. The question is whether we trying to learn and grow and allow ourselves to evolve to our fullest potential as human beings. As Norman Mailer said, "That was the law of life, so cruel and so just, that one must grow or else pay more for remaining the same."

I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 months, and we're very happy together, except that he is religious and I am agnostic. We discuss our differences and how they could affect our future (kids), and we agree that we will not try to make each other change.

Recently he told me the reason he would like me to believe in God again is that he loves me, and that according to his beliefs, I will go to hell if I don't believe, which makes him sad. He says no matter what I do, he will still love and support me. I told him I am open to trying to believe again, but it's hard. I am going to a college church group with him to see what it's like. I feel like I'm probably doing it more for him. I find it hard to imagine myself as being one of those people who has "I love Jesus" stickers on my car, or anything like that.

Although I acknowledge that there are many wonderful people who are religious, I've been disgusted by those religious people who are judgmental and base religion on shame, guilt and intolerance.

How can I get rid of my aversion to religion, or at least try to be more accepting of it?

The first thing you we should confirm, if not for you then our readers, is the difference between someone who is atheist versus agnostic. An agnostic believes there's a possibility of the existence of a greater power, but that we either cannot know, or that we need to withhold our judgment until we do know, if this power actually exists. In contrast, an atheist denies the existence of a supreme being. That's an important distinction. If you truly are agnostic, you might be open to exploration. If you were instead atheist, there would be no point. Doctor George brings this up so that you can see what you are available for.

Likewise, it is reasonable to see what your boyfriend is available for. Even though he says that he will not try to make you change, it sounds as though he feels you are wrong to be an agnostic. That's an important thing to note. It is equally important to ask yourself whether you are secretly making him wrong for being religious. Doctor George isn't saying that you are. He is just asking you to make sure.

The next thing to consider is whether your boyfriend wants you to have an experience of God or his experience of God. If it's the former, and if you are willing, then we can talk about ways you can explore it. On the other hand, if it's the latter, then your differences in belief may interfere with your having a happy future together.

Let's talk about the first possibility. If your boyfriend is simply asking you to consider the existence of a greater power, then there are many of avenues for exploration: different religions of the world, for example, or feminist spirituality which some women find more relevant to them than masculine religious ideas. With the freedom to explore your own religious feelings, you might find that you do believe in a higher power but that you do not agree with your boyfriend's view of it. If that's okay with him, then you might each have an opportunity to enjoy parallel paths of spirituality. Couples and even entire organizations can come together under a mutual respect for compatible, if not identical, paths. For instance, one of the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous says that AA members have made a decision to turn their will and their lives over to the care of God as they understand Him.

Doctor George thinks there is always value in learning new things. We often have pleasant surprises. This has been the case when many formerly agnostic individuals explored the possibility of a higher power. For instance, early 20th century psychologist William James shifted from an agnostic position of scientific neutrality to the opinion that there is a supernatural reality greater than the individual self. Most important is that your quest be based on an internal motivation, not external pressure. If your agnosticism has been caused by bad experiences with intolerant religious people, then pressure from your boyfriend may only increase your aversion to religion. You need to be allowed to discover your own beliefs and to do what you feel is right for you.

Now that Doctor George has discussed the prospect that your boyfriend is open to you finding your own path, as opposed to just his, let's talk about the other possibility: that he expects your belief to be the same as his. Doctor George is concerned because of what you said about your boyfriend's being sad that you will "go to hell" if you do not believe in God. While many religions believe in this consequence, many others do not. Your boyfriend's perspective would seem to indicate a fairly rigid view, despite his claim that he will love you no matter what. It might not be the kind of love that you have in mind.

Once the initial romantic/sexual intensity decreases in your relationship, your boyfriend may have trouble sustaining his ability to love you if you have a conflict over religion. This is also true, for you, if you are feeling pressure to explore religion in order to save the relationship. At some point, one or both of you will find yourselves upset with one another, and one or both you will resent the other's views. This unexpectedly occurs in many relationships, which is why it's especially important to heed the warning flags of a predictable future resentment. If your boyfriend really loves you, then he has to let you be who you are, even if that means you are not going to join his church or believe exactly what he believes.

Another thing to realize is that we usually are not in relationship with just one other person. Depending on that person's level of independence, we are often affected by those who influence them. For example, how independent is your boyfriend from his family? If he's not independent, you may be getting pressure from all sides, starting with the wedding ceremony and increasing exponentially when you have children. How will the children be raised? Will they be expected to follow his and his family's religion? Will his family respect your views about how you want your children raised? This concern also applies to those to whom you listen. For instance, are your friends and family also agnostic? Will they be tempted to ridicule your boyfriend's religion when they see an opening (such as when you and your boyfriend are arguing)?

In summary, trying to change yourself for someone else, when you don't really want to, doesn't work. You have to decide for yourself whether religion (your boyfriend's or any other) is right for you. It has to resonant with your heart and soul. Otherwise, you're just engaging in mechanical behaviors that won't hold up in the long run. Your boyfriend needs to accept and love you for who you are, without the expectation that you will change. In America the only absolute freedom is freedom of belief. For a lasting relationship to work, both partners need to allow each other this absolute freedom. If you do not afford yourself this right, then you would be sacrificing a relationship much more important than the one with your boyfriend; you'd be sacrificing the sanctity of the relationship you need to have with yourself.

I have been with my partner for almost 10 years now. In the beginning, everything was great. But, after two years, we started our family and things changed in the sex department. He would be happy doing it every day, but I felt like I was not being pleased and therefore was not into doing it with him. I was working, going to school, and being a mom.

Many times, I rejected him and chose to sleep instead, and we got into many fights over the same thing. I explained that I felt that he was only pleasing himself and wanted him to be more sensitive and take into consideration what pleases me. Somehow, we have managed to continue our relationship and seemed to be happy, even though not enough sex was always an issue.

During my third pregnancy, last year, I found out he was having an affair with a co-worker. It had started around the time I was having my second child. Here I am thinking things are good — we are expanding our family — and all the while, he was having an affair.

Of course, he apologized, said it did not mean anything, and that it was just for the sex (although it lasted over a year). He said he wants to make things work and stay with me and the kids.

So here I am, almost a year later, and can't get over it because he still works with her and speaks to her, even though it is only about work related things. I have expressed how this keeps me from moving forward, that I don't want him to have anything to do with her, that the fact that he sees her daily and even has to talk to her makes me sick. He says it is just work, that he won't change departments, and is not doing anything wrong. He says that he wants us to be happy, that he would not risk losing me or the kids again by doing something stupid like cheating again, and that he needs to move on and I should too.

I am confused and feeling like my feelings don't mean anything. I want to make it work but this is holding me back.

It is a tremendous, mind-altering shock when you discover that your partner has had an affair. People have a gamut of feelings, including a deep sense of betrayal, anger, resentment, jealousy, disappointment, and grief. It is hard just adjusting to the fact that it has happened, and difficult to feel like things can ever be the same in your relationship. This is a difficult journey to go through, and the fallout of mistrust and suspicion can last a long time. You and your husband will need to do much emotional and psychological work for you and your relationship to recover.

One of the first things you'll want is for your partner to realize the damage his unfaithful behavior has caused to your sense of trust. Since he still has contact with the other woman, you naturally feel he's being insensitive to your needs, taking your feelings too lightly, and trying to minimize the effects of the affair.

Doctor George wants you to know that your feelings are legitimate. Before continuing, however, Doctor George also wants you to understand that your husband's feelings are equally legit. It's easy, in these matters, for one person to claim the role of the injured party, and to see what needs to be changed in the other person. Unfortunately, that will never provide a full sense of resolution even if the other person shows a willingness to change. It's better but not resolved. The reason is that by depending on the other person for resolution, we gain no sense of our own strength. We might feel pleased, and even taken care of, but we don't feel any stronger. At best, we go from feeling like a victim to feeling like a former victim, always fearing that it could happen again.

How do we solve feeling like a victim? Many times, it's by honestly admitting our own role in a situation: seeing what we could have done differently. Our level of responsibility is something we an control and so the more we examine it, the less like a victim we can feel. Please don't get Doctor George wrong; there are definitely tragedies that befall people who did nothing to deserve it. But, this is not one of those cases. Secondly, Doctor George is not talking about blame. Blame and responsibility are very different.

Part of your own psychological work, as opposed to your partner's, will be to consider how your behavior and attitudes contributed to the relationship's problems. Couples' problems are rarely a one-way street. In situations like yours, the person who cheats is usually seen as the offender. In reality, if you're talking about fundamentally decent people, the offense began before the "official" act of betrayal. For example, you believe he wasn't being sensitive to your needs — originally by wanting too much sex and then by having an affair. Then you say that, until discovering the affair, you (as in both of you) "seemed to be happy." Clearly that wasn't the case. You only thought it was true because you wanted to think so. You were having the amount of sex that you wanted, but he was not. To be most direct, we could say that you were as equally insensitive to his needs as he was to yours. For instance, you could have suggested sex therapy as a way to work on this problem.

It never works for one person to assess a relationship solely in terms of whether his or her needs are being met. That should only be a piece of it. If you care for someone, you should not be satisfied unless the person you are with is also satisfied. That's true for significant and insignificant matters. For instance, let's say that you and he are going to have a meal together. You want Chinese and he wants Italian. As soon as you know that he doesn't feel like Italian, you should want it less. You should not be satisfied simply because your want prevailed. This is what happened in your marriage — he wanted more sex; you wanted less; you had less; you were satisfied, and so you allowed him to be dissatisfied.

It makes sense that you want your husband to do whatever it takes to help you feel better (including changing departments and going out of his way not to have anymore contact with her). But, you should also want to do whatever it takes to have your marriage be balanced in a way that your husband feels better.

For instance, you will want your husband to understand that you did not feel he was interested in your pleasure during sex, and to have him admit if he was using sex for a purely physical release instead of integrating it with his love and appreciation of you as a person. You may also want him to examine whether he was using the affair as an escape from uncomfortable feelings, such as those possibly brought up by his new role as father. He needs to say if there are other issues he's concerned with in the relationship, such as whether he felt angry and envious of the attention you were giving to the kids. Continuing with what your husband needs, he should also be discussing how your denial of sex made him feel as a man, whether that added to his feeling weaker.

Speaking to Doctor George's earlier point, both of you should want to assist the other in feeling resolved. To accomplish this, Doctor George urges you both to go to couples therapy for as long as it takes to address the problems — on both sides — and to even consider sexual therapy. In the sessions, you can explore what you two have not been communicating to one another. For example...

• Your husband needs to make an honest and complete admission of the behavior (not including the sexual details because that may only cause you more pain). Likewise, he needs to reaffirm his commitment to not do it again.
• You need the opportunity to fully speak your feelings, your anger, jealousy, sense of betrayal, sadness and disappointment.
• He needs the opportunity to share his feelings about what has been lacking in the relationship and to have these feelings taken seriously.
• You each need to engage in an honest self-examination to determine how you've contributed to the problems in the relationship.
• And, you both need to make an agreement that each of you will continue to work on the relationship — for instance, scheduling times to talk, promising to share your feelings with each other instead of acting on them, etc.

Once you have both acknowledged your respective roles in creating the problems in your relationship, then you are ready to begin a new chapter in your lives together. As emotionally painful as it is, if you allow it, this could be an opportunity to learn about yourselves and grow. Couples who work through the steps, listed above, can create a stronger, more caring, and mutually satisfying bond.

Doctor George wishes the best to you both.

I am a sixty-year-old man and I have been recently diagnosed with cancer. The doctor says it will be curable because it was found early during a routine colonoscopy and is very small. So far I have no symptoms. Of course my family knows and I also decided not to keep it a secret from my friends and business associates. But now people are giving me so much advice about who are the best doctors and they're inundating me with all kinds of information about their experiences with cancer. Also, I looked it up on the internet and that only increased my anxiety and made me feel overwhelmed. How can I best deal with this life crisis?

Cancer is something Doctor George knows about personally because he was recently successfully treated for cancer himself. So, if he may, Doctor George will be addressing some extra things beyond what you asked in your question. Of course, each person's experiences are unique, but there are some common emotions people go through in a life crisis like this, such as feelings of loss, anger, a sense of unfairness, anxiety and depression.

Not all doctors are able to deal with a patient's emotions. When the doctor said that Doctor George had cancer, Doctor George broke down in tears. This made the doctor visibly uncomfortable and he told Doctor George to be strong and not to cry. The doctor had done a great job in detecting the cancer but he didn't understand the importance of experiencing one's emotions.

In spite of their doctor's discomfort, the patient needs to know that letting one's emotions surface relieves stress. You need to release the feelings that get pent up inside of you. Accept your feelings; it's normal for you to be upset. Doctor George cried everyday during his treatments. It helped relieve his anxiety. It wasn't depression; it was sadness and acceptance of the loss of his image of himself as a person who had never had a major illness.

Once you've been diagnosed with cancer, you'll need to choose an oncologist (or cancer team) whom you trust to coordinate your treatment. When you've chosen this person (or team), it is important that you go with what they tell you and not get diverted by what other people say. If your friends want to give you helpful advice, you may have to politely tell them that you're overwhelmed, can't take in any more advice at that moment, and that you've chosen physicians you trust and are going to go put your faith in them.

You'll need to decide how much information you want to know about your disease. Some people want to know as much as possible, but others are only freaked out by learning more. If you are the latter type, and if you go on the internet to learn about your disease, go only to legitimate medical websites recommended by your doctor.

To undergo your cancer treatments (whether they involve surgery, radiation, chemotherapy or a combination) you'll need to diligently restrict your life to only what you have energy for. You can welcome and accept the love and concern of those around you, but it's important to distinguish between those who are merely curious and those who are really offering to help. If you feel someone is too intrusive, you have the right to cut the conversation short. You could say, "I'm feeling tired right now, so I'll have to go."

Be selective with whom you talk and spend time. Talk only to those you feel like talking to and only see the people you feel like seeing (the ones who make you feel good). Your focus is on surviving this period in your life, so do whatever it takes to conserve your energy and help you go through the stresses of the treatments.

You'll need to be open to support from others because it's just too difficult to do this on your own. You may want to join a cancer patients' support group that can give you a deeper connection to others who will understand what you are going through.

Be open to learning about yourself and others. Doctor George learned about the love and compassion of other people and how to trust others more. Overall, even with the difficulties involved in the cancer treatments, it was a positive experience for Doctor George.

Doctor George encourages you to have faith and he wishes you the very best in your treatments and recovery.

I'm so annoyed by my ex-best friend. We were friends for about 4 years. Then she got upset at me because I dated her cousin and I didn't tell her about it. We had a year or so that we didn't talk. When she finally decided to work things out I told her I didn't want to be part of her life and she got even more upset and told me off. So I brushed her off my shoulders and went on with my life. But now I'm finding out that she is asking about me and trying to see what has become of me through other friends. Now she is creating friction between our friends that we both know and me. I'm so annoyed now because I thought she was out of my life! I most definitely made it clear to her that I didn't want her friendship.

How can I move on and pretend she never existed, if she doesn't get out of my life completely? I feel this discomfort and lack of peace within myself. How can I get rid of these emotions?

If you were coming to Doctor George as a client, he would start by having you explain the situation, as you did in your letter. Then, rather than discussing all of your questions, Doctor George would only address the most important aspect of the conversation, leaving the remaining questions aside. That's because our understanding is built on fundamentals, one layer at a time. We usually need to have a solid footing on one layer before we can understand the next. This is difficult to achieve without more personal interaction, as would be present in a counseling session; but, nonetheless, Doctor George is going to try to answer your question using the same process that he would if you had come to see him in person.

There are three aspects Doctor George would want to explore...

The first aspect, that Doctor George would address, would be your initial behavior. Was it appropriate for you to secretly see your former best friend's cousin without her knowledge? Was your friendship one in which the disclosure would have been appropriate, thus making your failure to disclose your actions a legitimate betrayal? Or, was it unreasonable for your best friend to expect that you would tell her? Or, were there other mitigating circumstances? For instance, did her cousin specifically want the relationship to be kept private and not discussed among his family?

The second thing, that Doctor George would address, is your friend's reaction. When someone feels wronged by us, we don't get to vote on their response. The fact is that they do feel how they feel, and we have no right to expect otherwise. If we did something to cause or inflame those feelings, we need to accept our responsibility. Doctor George would not address the specifics of your ex-friend's response, as much as he would your acceptance of it.

Thirdly, once we addressed what you did and accepting your ex-friend's response, we could then get to your response to her reaction. Just as your friend has a right to respond to what you did, you have a right to respond to her reaction. By going through the process properly, we could determine whether your reaction is legitimate — as in you believe you behaved appropriately, given the circumstances, and that your ex-friend overreacted — or whether your reaction is not legitimate, as in you know what you did was inappropriate and you're trying to avoid being responsible for it. Whatever outcome you achieve with your friend is less important than your internal resolution. Even if Doctor George provided the specific answers to the questions you asked, it doesn't mean you'd be resolved. It also doesn't ensure that similar situations won't arise in the future or that this situation isn't similar to one you experienced in your past.

Obviously, Doctor George doesn't know all of the circumstances surrounding your being with your ex-friend's cousin. Perhaps it was legitimate and your former best friend was imprudent to act as she did. Another possibility is that you felt entitled to do whatever you pleased, regardless of how it affected your best friend. If that was the case, Doctor George would talk to you about entitlement, including being with your best friend's cousin, feeling entitled to keep it from her, feeling entitled to receive the response that you deemed was appropriate for the transgression, feeling entitled to determine how she should behave, and feeling entitled to forget about it without having a proper accounting.

As stated, Doctor George would need to discuss it further to determine whether entitlement is at the heart of your behavior. You asked, "How can I get rid of these emotions?" That could be interpreted as an attempt to bypass the consequences of your actions and forget about what happened — in other words, entitlement. Further evidence of entitlement is perhaps revealed when you say, "I feel this discomfort and lack of peace within myself." That's an entirely different situation than being annoyed at someone else. In the end, it leaves Doctor George wondering whether you are asking the right questions of him and of yourself. Perhaps you should really be asking why you are not at peace rather than focusing on your being annoyed.

I'm just finishing my sophomore year at college. I think I've shown a lot of responsibility. I've gotten good grades, I'm an officer in my sorority and I've earned spending money by working on-campus jobs. Since I've done so well and am making my parents proud, don't you think it would be reasonable for them to reward me with a brand new car?

Good try, honey, but the answer is still "No."

Your mother and I appreciate how well you are doing, but we hope you are working so hard for your own sense of achievement, not because you are trying to please us or for a reward.

However, as we mentioned earlier, we'd be willing to get you a good used car, though.

Love, Dad

I have a friend who seems to "have it all" but talks about not having a reason to live, etc. frequently. He says he hates himself, his life and its direction and just can't do it anymore. How do I help? Who do I call? How seriously do I take this?

Your friend needs you at this point in his life. Whether or not this is definitely a serious problem, you need to treat it as one. Being prepared for the worst will either help the situation if it has gone wrong or help you realize this situation is under control already; both of which are beneficial. Although your friend may seem like he has all that he could need in life, he may be seeking attention, or assurance that somebody cares about him. This is where you come in. Showing concern even to the point of asking him if he is suicidal will not make him suicidal; only prove to him that someone has his best interests at heart and that he means something to them. Actively listening and acknowledging his feelings without being judgmental will let him know that you genuinely want to help him.

Since these statements are a frequent occurrence, there is no reason to believe it was just a bad day. After you've approached him, or even before if you feel uncomfortable, there are many services you can recommend he utilize that include help from trained professionals, or someone who can access that professional help. These include: contacting a family member of this person, calling a help-line (211 will direct you to an appropriate hotline, or 1-800-SUICIDE — a national helpline available 24 hours a day or if your friend is a California State University Northridge student, for example, he could call: (818) 349-HELP), utilizing available resources that include counseling sessions (such as a government funded clinic, or search for free counseling — which provides many means of meeting a counselor, either anonymously online or sessions in person), or even contacting an outside counselor or therapist. You may seem like this is too forward of you, but it never hurts to ask. He could want to contact one of these groups on his own, but doesn't have the courage to do so by himself.

By making it known that you are there to be someone he can count on to get him the help he needs if it is necessary, that may improve his attitude by itself. To just know that he is not alone in this world if he feels isolated is a great gift. Reaching out to your friend can only present opportunities... opportunities that you may miss if you ignore the situation. You will be a great friend to ensure his safety and to help him realize there are always ways out of a bad situation and ways to regain happiness in his life.

This question was submitted by Doctor George's Students as part of an assignment: Whitney Burlingame, Caroline Garcia, Carlos Hernandez, Francesca Martine, Jeanette Pintos, Masha Smith, Sarah Valdes, and Lani Watson

Our 17-year-old daughter recently got her driver's license. Now she drives to her girlfriends' for overnights on the weekends and, really, we don't see as much of her as we used to. I want her to get used to being independent, yet I'm not sure how much freedom is too much. My wife feels okay with it, but I'm worried we're being too permissive.

Your family is in the transitional stage called "launching", which is preparing for a teenager's imminent departure from home. Your daughter is filled with excitement about getting more independence, but you may feel like you're losing your baby. She pushes for more and more freedom. You say, "Be home at eleven." She says, "How about midnight?"

At this stage of development, parents need to find a good balance between freedom and control: being fully involved without dominating. If a teen doesn't have enough freedom, she will stay at an immature level of dependency on her parents, or she will rebel. She may openly rebel by arguing and breaking rules, or covertly rebel by sneaking, using lies, deception and not communicating in a desperate effort to create the autonomy that is essential for her individuality. On the other hand, if she is granted too much freedom, then she doesn't get the structure she needs to help her control her impulses.

The paradox is that parents need to give their teens freedom so the teens will develop the independence needed to handle freedom, and thus be ready to eventually go it on their own. To determine how much a teen is ready for, parents should assess the teen's general level of maturity and responsibility. For instance, does she fulfill her school and work responsibilities, maintaining good grades, for example? When she does come home, is it at the time agreed upon? Does she call if she's going to be late? Does she tell you where she's going? Do you know and trust her friends and her friends' parents? When she is at home, do you feel you have good quality interactions with her? Do you feel you know what is going on in her life, how she's feeling, and what's important to her? You'd also want to look at her overall physical and emotional health. Does she frequently get sick and have difficulty getting over illness (which can be a sign of exhaustion from too much activity and not enough rest)? How are her moods? Is she often irritable and difficult? Do you have any reason to suspect that drugs or alcohol are involved? Are you concerned about boyfriends and sex and have you discussed the subject with her?

You mentioned that you and your wife have differing opinions about your daughter's behavior. It's important to discuss this because both parents need to be on the same page so they can support each other. This avoids the divisive situation of the teen and one parent taking sides against the other parent, causing resentment between the parents.

If your teen is in fact responsible, then your worries that your daughter can't handle so much freedom may actually stem from your sadness and grief about her growing up and leaving home and the changes that will mean for everyone in your family. You, instead of your wife, may be the one going through the empty nest syndrome. If so, your wife might have more objectivity about your daughter's needs, right now, than you do.

Once you and your wife have assessed your daughter's ability to handle it, giving her more freedom to go with her friends gives you the opportunity to experience how it will be when she eventually leaves home. You and your wife will need to get accustomed to having more time with each other. Your daughter's increasing reliance on peers also helps the separation process so she can become her own person in relation to others outside the family. Any way you look at it, this stage of parenting and child development is a major life adjustment for all of you and needs to be handled with care.

My wife and I have been married 4 years. We are both 51 and this is a 2nd marriage for both of us.

I am a die-hard romantic and I am very sensitive, yet masculine. My wife is very attractive and she used to be very sexual. We have terrific recreational companionship working out and hiking together.

The last several months, though, she treats me like I am some sort of pervert because I crave her sexually "too much." I try to resist the urge to initiate sex because I am tired of getting rejected so frequently. She is always tired or says she feels sick but the next morning, she is generally fine.

In the past year, I don't believe she has initiated sex more than 1 or 2 times. She almost never even touches me with her hands during sex; she just lays there. She seems to hate kissing and cuddling and seems to always be pushing me away and pulling away from me if I try to kiss or hold her. She won't talk about sex either, and seems very afraid of intimacy—much more so than when we were dating and first married.

I am not usually a suspicious person but I was burned by infidelity in my first marriage. I don't see any other signs of infidelity but I am wondering if my wife could be having some hidden romance at her job. There have been a number of occasions, the last few months, when she found an excuse to "run by the office" when she was not working.

This sounds like a very frustrating situation for you.

It is not clear from your letter if your wife's lack of interest in having sex with you is something new, or whether this existed (in one degree or another) from the beginning of your relationship. If it is longstanding behavior, then it might stem from the influences of experiences in her past, such as growing up in a family in which touching was taboo or from having been a victim of sexual abuse. In either of these cases, psychotherapy could be helpful to your wife. But, if the behavior is new, then it could be caused by a number of things.

You've been married four years, and that is about the time period when many couples experience a diminishing of the intense romantic passion from when they first met. This doesn't mean they don't love one another, but their relationship does have to go through a transition in which they realize that the other person is not their perfect ideal. The early projection of the perfect partner has by now worn off and they are seeing the flaws. At this point in their relationship, a couple needs to make a decision to care for and love one another as they are, and to understand that their relationship will not be based on romance alone. This is where the hard work of couple-hood begins.

No one has perfect parents, so every child grows up wanting for something. Everyone has some emotional deficit from their childhood — some, of course, more severe than others. As we mature, we seek to make up this parenting deficit by finding a partner we fantasize will take care of us just as we always wanted to be taken care of. And at first, in relationships, this actually seems to be happening... that is, until we run up against our partner's needs that aren't compatible with our own. For instance, we may like lots of social activity, but they may like quiet time alone (and it just seems they're being selfish not to accommodate our needs). Thus begins the breakdown of the idealization of our partners. The task, from here on, is for the couple to change their understanding of what relationships are about: not to get all of our needs met, but to learn to meet another person's needs. Actually, this can result in our getting our needs met but, paradoxically, only if we don't try to.

During this phase of figuring out how we're going to have to change our expectations of our relationship, we may go through periods of being angry at our partners, even not wanting to have sex with them. For many women, sex needs to be an expression of love and positive feelings for their partner. If they're angry or unhappy with something the partner has said or done (or who they have discovered him to be), then they may not want to have sex until the issue is resolved. Or, if they do have sex they may be detached from their emotions during it. You'd need to check it out with your wife if there is something she is angry or unresolved about.

Another thing to consider is, have you changed? Do you want sex more than before and why? Are you using sex to cover up feelings of your own, such as heading into middle age and the loss of youth? Some people may use sex as a kind of tranquilizer rather than as a genuine expression of their love for the other person and you'd need to question yourself to be sure that's not what you are doing. It also could be that your suspicions about your wife's having an affair are making you feel insecure about whether she loves you and you are trying to use more sex to prove she still does.

At any rate, you need to talk with her. Your suspicions would need to be addressed, because a lack of trust in your partner is contradictory to the intimacy required for a good sex life. If the two of you cannot talk openly between yourselves, then a couples' counselor could help.

Doctor George wishes you the best in working through your relationship problems with your wife

I'm a twenty-two year old guy taking Speech as my major. The reason I am writing is that I am always anxious when I have to go in front of the class and give a prepared speech. It's not that way elsewhere, like running meetings at work, and it's not that I feel unnaturally afraid, but my voice and body language shows that I am still anxious. This irritates me because there is no logical reason to feel anxious. If I make a fool out of myself, what would it matter in a month or a year? Nothing, but I am still anxious.

Honestly, I am not expecting you to be able to solve this problem for me, but I am hoping to at least get an outside opinion that may change my perspective so I that can solve it myself.

Thank you very much!

Many, if not most, people have a fear of speaking in public. Facing an audience to give a toast at a wedding or a friend's birthday can create a racing heart, sweaty palms, cotton-mouth, and the anxiety that our minds will go blank and we'll embarrass ourselves. This experience is so common that it may be an instinctual, such as fear of spiders, snakes and heights. These fears may have evolved to ensure our survival. As humans our survival depends on social relationships with other people. Thus we have a natural need to be accepted by the group.

You mentioned being able to run meetings at work and it seems likely that you are comfortable in one-on-one conversations, as well. It's worth noting that we're used to receiving verbal and visual feedback in personal exchanges. That's easily available in conversations and small meetings, but that's not possible while talking to a group. It's thus natural that the lack of feedback is causing discomfort. Asking the group a question or telling a joke, at the outset and throughout, might provide the feedback you need to feel more comfortable.

Many of our hang-ups come from early education. We were forced to give oral reports in school on topics we didn't care about to people who cared even less. It was more interesting to laugh and make fun of the other speaker (i.e., victim) than to hear another boring and uninspired report on Christopher Columbus. As opposed to when we were younger, now the people in the audience are usually choosing to be there and want to hear what we have to say.

Our anxious physical responses should be considered Pavlovian to some extent. In the same way that we might salivate whenever we see food, we also have conditioned responses for speaking, acting, playing sports, etc. We assume that professionals don't face these problems but that's simply not true (as in athletes or actors throwing up before a game or before appearing on stage). When we recognize the physical response as being habitual, and not portending an awful result, we can relax and not take the anxious sensations so seriously.

It's not unreasonable to express our concerns in front of a group so long as we don't burden them with it. For instance, "I'll try to not bore you," is fine to say if we think our topic might be boring. Likewise: "If this is getting too boring, just pass out in the aisle and I'll take the hint." These sort of interactions can help us find a common ground between ourselves and our audience, as can asking questions such as "How many of you are bored by speeches?" This would also inject a little humor into your talk and laughing relaxes people.

You asked why it should matter to you if you fail, since it is something that would be forgotten after a month or longer. It sounds as though you're thinking you should not be afraid. However, your fear shows how much you care about doing well. Doctor George mentions this because while it is often helpful to understand our feelings, it is never a good idea to discount them.

Fear can feel like an impenetrable wall, but often we find that if we just go ahead, despite (but not discounting) our fear, then we can walk through that wall. So, rather than try to "solve" the problem, just proceed anyhow.

I've know this guy for about a year. We talk for awhile and then we go without talking. We like each other but he chooses not to continue with a relationship because he is good friends with the rest of my family.

We ended up kissing and now things are not the same between us. It seems very awkward now. I don't know what to do. I like him and I would like to know if you have any advice.

You didn't say how old you both are, but your dilemma sounds like a situation that could happen in adolescence. If that's the case, your friend could be too immature, shy, inhibited and/or embarrassed after the kissing incident to have the kind of boyfriend-girlfriend relationship you are hoping for.

If, however, you're both a little older, say in your twenties, then you might want to consider that, for most guys, being friends with the rest of your family would not stop them from pursuing a romantic relationship with you if they really wanted to. And that may be the real question: Does he really want to?

It may be that, like the movie and book title, "He's Just Not That Into You." If a guy is interested in you, then he will usually find a way to communicate that to you unless he doesn't have a clue about dating relationships. In the latter case he may need some initial help getting things going. This is the strategy behind having your girlfriends help you out by hinting that you like him, or asking him to be somewhere and you just happen to show up at the same time. These are age-old tactics that can sometimes wake a guy up to your interest in him. They could help if you think it's a case where all he needs is a little nudge in your direction.

But since you've already kissed, it doesn't seem too far out in left field for you to have a conversation with him about what happened between you. In our society, with its double standards for men and women, it is more difficult for women to be direct with men so, on one hand, being direct carries the risk of scaring him away. On the other hand, he is already away, so there's not much to lose (unless you are concerned about saving face). If you have the conversation, it would end the guessing games so long as your friend was willing to be truthful.

All of the above notwithstanding, when you say, "We like each other but he chooses not to continue with a relationship," it sounds like you already know the answer. A more appropriate question for you to answer might be whether you want to be with a guy who's ambivalent, hesitant, or resistant about wanting you to be his girlfriend. Don't you deserve better?

I think I might want to see someone about some issues in my life. I was wondering: Are group sessions as effective as one-on-one time with a therapist?

First of all, Doctor George wants to acknowledge you for exploring possibilities in your life. Even if you decide to not join a group or get into therapy, Doctor George thinks it's great whenever people consider avenues for their growth.

Both approaches are considered to be equally effective for helping people. It depends what you're looking for. For instance, groups (which typically have 5 to 10 participants) are great for...

• Meeting other people in a setting where you will get to know them on a more intimate level (than normally occurs in ordinary social interactions)
• Learning about other peoples' lives and seeing your own life in relation to theirs (which can give you new perspectives on yourself)
• Saving money (because they are often less than a third of the cost of individual therapy — for instance, Doctor George leads 75-minute therapy groups that meet once a week for $45 per session)
• An opportunity to give and receive feedback from other people about how you come across in relationships (introducing you to your blind spots you would not have been able to see on your own)
• Discovering that other people have feelings and problems similar to your own (and that the thoughts and feelings for which you often indict yourself aren't as unique as you usually think)

One-on-one therapy is ideal for...

• Revealing things that you are not prepared to share with others
• Learning about your unresolved emotional issues (in a more gradual way than might happen in a group)
• Having dedicated time to specifically work on your issues and share your feelings
• Uninterrupted attention from a therapist (who is focused on only you)
• Following an agenda specifically designed to address your problems

A combination of both techniques, undertaken either simultaneously or sequentially, can also be very helpful. Seeing an individual therapist, while you are also in group, allows you to process and discuss your feelings and interactions from the group with your therapist individually. Going to a group first may alert you to some issues that you'll want to go into in more depth in individual therapy. Likewise, going to individual therapy, before entering a group, can educate you about yourself and your key relationship issues (that could come up when you interact with the other participants).

In both group and individual therapy you can build a level of intimacy and trust that replicates that wonderful feeling of connectedness one gets in a good family. The group and individual therapy, that Doctor George offers, blends life-coaching and therapeutic process. This helps you move from your "old survival system" to being more authentic, truthful and heartfelt (by discovering the emotional obstacles that block you from facing the unresolved issues from your past and keep you from being your best self).

A person's "survival system" is a natural defense against a dysfunctional family. For example, let's say that a child was never allowed to express anger. As a result, the child might grow into a person who literally loses the ability to recognize their own anger. Instead, they find themselves acting unassertively and overly-nice (because, in childhood, this was necessary to please the parents). While this techinque helps the person get through their own childhood, and perhaps is still used as an adult to continue getting parental approval, it leaves the adult feeling depressed and resentful. Both group and one-on-one work causes these behaviors to rise to the surface (and get resolved).

Doctor George hopes that whether you opt for group or individual therapy, or a combination of both, you will benefit from understanding yourself more deeply and that you will develop vital and life-affirming connections with others.

I'm a middle-aged man and my parents are getting older, to the point where they don't have all that much time left. I would like to reach some resolution about unpleasant things that happened in my childhood. They were not the best of parents, but I feel a sense of forgiveness now, especially since I've had my own kids and know firsthand how hard it is to be a parent. Also, I recognize they had rough childhoods themselves.

They have admitted some of their mistakes and regrets and I don't want to rake them over the coals or anything. I just want to make sure things are right between us before they die. But I'm having trouble getting up the courage to talk to them and I'm not sure what I would say.

What do you recommend, Doctor George?

Maybe the best way to answer your question is to share the experience that Doctor George had with his own father.

Before doing that, however, there's something worth mentioning. In order for one to reconcile with their parents, it is necessary that parents be willing to change (as best as they are able), admit their mistakes, and make every effort to correct them. If the parent persists in dysfunctional behaviors, rigid self-righteous justifications and self-deception about the past, then the adult child may need to abandon hope for reconciliation.

There are cases where it is better if the relationship does not continue because it will only result in further emotional wounding and pain for the adult child. Here's what someone can ask themselves: Did their parent do the best job that she or he could do? It is more appropriate to forgive a parent who can acknowledge their failure, than a parent who persists in distorting the past without admission.

One of the reasons Doctor George became a psychologist was to understand and heal the emotional wounds that were caused by his dysfunctional family upbringing. Doctor George's father was a World War II vet who had never fully recovered from the emotional trauma of the war. His unresolved emotional trauma overshadowed his parenting, making him irritable and angry, and impossible to relate to (something like Clint Eastwood's character Walt Kowalski in the film Gran Torino).

In his old age, Doctor George's father had to be admitted to intensive care for a serious medical condition. This made Doctor George realize that there was unfinished business in their relationship. At the advice of another psychotherapist who works with traumatized veterans — yes, psychologists need to see therapists, too — Doctor George, standing by his father's bedside, told him two things: "I love you," and "I understand what the war did to you and how it affected your parenting of me in my childhood."

His father replied, "I love you too and I am sorry for the mistakes I made as a father. All of them." Then his father let out a huge sigh of relief and broke down crying. Doctor George was then able to comfort his father by telling him, "Everything is okay, Dad. It's all okay now. Don't worry." His father said, "This makes me feel so good." This was the best moment Doctor George ever had with his father and one of the best moments of both of their lives.

One more thing worth mentioning: For a longer conversation, and when someone wants to get something big off their chest, it's often best to tell the other person your purpose before getting into any detail. Otherwise, as soon as the topic becomes clear to the other person, they can get unduly defensive. On the other hand, if you start off with something like, "I love you and I want to have a conversation to help bring us closer," or words similar to that effect, the other person can relax and hear what you have to say.

Best wishes in healing your relationship with your parents.

I'm a 31-year old man and I usually remember a dream or two when I wake up in the morning. Recently I had the following dream:

An emerald green snake with yellow eyes is sitting there looking at me. I get frightened and begin to run away. The snake turns hostile, slithering after me faster than I can run. So I stop. The snake stops too. I start to run again, hoping to get away this time, but the snake comes right after me. Only when I stop does he stop. I decide that since it is useless to keep running I will just stay still and not try to get away anymore. The snake does not attack me but just sits there coiled up looking at me. As long as I stay by him it seems he doesn't want to hurt me, but if I run away then he chases me.

Do dreams have any meaning? What could a dream like this mean?

To many people, their nightly dreams mean nothing more than a way to entertain others around the breakfast table. But psychologists, most notably Drs. Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, have done an enormous amount of work based on the idea that dreams have meaning and that attempting to understand our dreams can be helpful.

The idea that dreams have meaning presumes an unconscious level of our minds from which dreams come. Dreams, such as your dramatic dream of the green snake, can contain vivid symbols that seem to have little to do with our normal waking world. It could be that you recently went to the zoo and saw a snake, and the dream was merely reflecting that waking experience. However, even when our dreams seem to replicate the events in our outer lives, there is usually something different, such as the snake's chasing you (which Doctor George assumes did not happen at the zoo).

The particular meaning of the snake in your dream would depend on your associations to it and on what intuitively "clicks" for you as you consider various possibilities.

     It may be literal, so we might first look at your personal experiences with snakes to see if there is some unresolved issue or fear there. You could think about the particulars of the dream, such as the snake's skin and eye color, and see if these mean anything to you.

     It may be spiritually symbolic. In the Bible, the serpent, in the Garden of Eden, has traditionally been portrayed as the cause of Adam and Eve's downfall. However, their gaining the "knowing of good and evil" could also be interpreted as the beginning of humans becoming conscious.

     We could look deeper into the symbolism of the snake as it appears in history, myth, legend and religion. For example, in Hinduism's concept of the body's Chakras or energy centers, yellow is the color of the third Chakra located in the solar plexus, a power center of the body that is believed to relate to a person's identity and willpower. In ancient times, the Greek god of healing Asklepios carried a staff with a snake winding around it. People went to temples of Asklepios so they could sleep on a stone bed (called a cline, from which our word "clinic" is derived) and have a dream. The dream of being bitten by a snake was seen as a sign that you would be healed of whatever malady you had. The snake also appears as a symbol of feminine spirituality and power in a Minoan sculpture of a bare-breasted goddess with a snake wrapped around each arm.

     It may be metaphorically symbolic. In general, the snake may be seen as a symbol of the renewal or rebirth of one's life because, as it grows, it sloughs off its old skin. The color green, the color of vegetation goes along with the idea of new life. Osiris, the Egyptian god of renewal and rebirth, had green skin.

     It may be a message about your feeling constricted and having a need to shed a constricting behavior, situation, or person from your life. That would also be consistent with the theme of a snake shedding its skin.

     It may relate to your age. As someone in their thirties, you're at a transition point: no longer in your twenties but not yet middle-age. A saying, in the '60s, was "Don't trust anyone over 30." That signified the beginning of the demarcation between younger and older adults. So, the snake may represent your need to become aware of your new age status.

     It may represent some problem or area in your life that you have tried to avoid but just won't go away. Like the problem, the snake won't let you shake it; it tracks you down. And, the more you try to avoid it, the more hostile it becomes. You might want to think over what parts of your life feel similar: that is, what feels like a problem to avoid yet, if faced, would lead to your personal growth.

An excellent book on dream interpretation is John A. Sanford's Dreams and Healing. Scientific studies on sleep and dreams can be found in Wm. C. Dement's Some Must Watch While Some Must Sleep.

I am a young 21 year old guy going to college.

I have not been in very many relationships over my few years of dating. I consider myself to be a pretty good guy — polite and courteous, respectful and kind — yet I realize that in my relationships everything goes great for the first few months, but then I seem to become very possessive of my girlfriends, and the relationship starts to fall apart.

When I see it going downhill, I hold on tighter and this seems to push them further away. I guess I'm afraid of losing something that I like and then the relationship is not fun for her anymore. I try to be romantic but then it seems like I'm becoming desperate, and this makes them like me even less.

I realize that I'm only 21 and I've got a lot of time and relationships to make and break, but can you offer any advice on how not to feel so possessive (or jealous) with my partner? I don't want to feel jealous or feel like I'm becoming too attached. But then I do not want to be so loose that she gets the impression that I just want to be friends.

I realize that I probably have some king [sic] of trust issues, which probably contribute to these feelings, but do you have any advice on how to help to trust people a little more? I would like to enjoy my girlfriend as a friend and a lover, without having the need to possess her or worry how the relationship is going.

I hope your advice is different than, "Just enjoy the relationship, be yourself and don't take it too seriously...don't try to force romance...and know if it doesn't work out, then it wasn't meant to be..." I also do not need a philosophy lesson or quotes from novels or psychology books. But whatever you have to give I am appreciative of your time and consideration.

By telling Doctor George what you don't want him to say, you are demonstrating the very problem about yourself that you want to change — that is, trying to control the other person. If you had not illustrated your awareness of having a control issue, Doctor George might have told you to come back when you were able to relinquish more control.

You've clearly done a lot of thinking about this problem for your young age, and you ask good questions. You're on the verge of realizing what you need to do, but it is hard to change these problems on your own. You've tried managing your behavior; telling yourself you need to be less controlling; promising yourself you'll be more trusting in the relationship; but then your resolve breaks down in the face of your fear that the person will abandon you; you once again feel compelled to control the other person to prevent them from leaving you; and your behavior ensures that you are left.

At the point in the sequence when you begin to feel fear in the relationship, it's time to ask yourself what those feelings remind you of. When current situations seem to replicate past situations, humans tend to have feelings similar to those they had during the earlier experiences. The feeling, which in your case is fear, lives a life of its own inside of us: ready to reemerge when outer situations seem similar to earlier ones. For instance, your current fear of abandonment in your intimate relationships could be because your current situation feels similar to an earlier one in which you actually experienced some form of abandonment by a significant person such as a parent, which would naturally cause fear in a child. Your current situation would then become a trigger to bring up the old feelings.

You could then ask yourself what about the current situation is similar to what you experienced in the past. Next, you could consider how the situation is different from the past, thinking about ideas such as: "This person is not my mother." "I willingly chose her and she willing chose me." "Even though I enjoy her, I am able to survive without her." These are essential specifics that distinguish the current relationship from the one to which you're being triggered.

It would also be important to examine what's unresolved, if anything, in the relationship with your mother (or whoever you felt abandoned by). Without such resolution, all relationships that catalyze the memory will be at risk. You should find a way and perhaps a person to whom you can communicate these feelings. For example, you may need to go back into your childhood history with a therapist and examine how your relationships trigger abandonment issues from your past and to grieve and recover from any unresolved losses that you may have suffered earlier.

At the early stages of a relationship, it would probably not be a good idea to express these feelings to the woman because that could be overwhelming to her, especially if she just wants to have a good time. However, you should see whether you can be trusted to ask simple clarification questions to explore how the relationship is going without getting into the possessiveness and controlling feelings. For instance, you could specifically ask whether she is enjoying your time together, whether she wants to continue, whether there are any adjustments you can make. Whether you can "be trusted" is key here. You can't ask multiple questions or make it into an interrogation. As a rule of thumb: One simple question, once in awhile. Ask only on occasion and accept the answer. If you don't believe the answer, it could be because of your fearful feelings or it may be that you need to move onto another person whom you do believe. If you discover that you can't believe anyone, then, again, it could be helpful for you to see a therapist.

Lastly, Doctor George cannot restrain himself from offering you this bit of philosophical speculation: You made a Freudian slip in your letter, saying you "probably have some king of trust issues." Your erroneous use of "king" instead of "kind," may, according to Freud's theory of unconscious determinism, show that although you are aware of your problem of being overly-controlling, you are still being affected by it unconsciously (as in wanting to be king). Doctor George tells you this for two reasons: One, it's interesting to think about. Two, it might not be something you want to hear. It's good practice to not be in control. Doctor George doesn't mean this is just for you; it's for everyone. We should take control when that is required. At other times, the need to control always reveals an issue with trust. But that's another column.

My husband and I were strongly attracted to each other when we first met, and that's still true after 8 years of marriage. However, as much as we love each other, we often find ourselves arguing and not feeling understood. We are very different. He's quiet and I'm more social. He's practical and factual, while I'm a dreamer. We aren't getting divorced, so how can we get along better?

Disagreements and arguments are a normal part of marriage but, when they constantly occur, it's exhausting.

You and your husband seem to be different personality types. Just as people are born left or right-handed, they are also born with differences in how they function in the world and with other people. In Jungian psychology, people are classified as being extraverted versus introverted, thinking versus feeling, intuitive versus sensing, and planned versus spontaneous. You can determine your own classification by going to Myers-Briggs Type Indicator or HumanMetrics.com.

It sounds like you might be extraverted, intuitive, feeling and spontaneous, whereas your husband could be the introverted, sensing, thinking, and planned. Yours and your husband's types are opposites, and opposites need to understand that the other person is not being obstinate by disagreeing, but is simply acting from a genuinely different perspective on life.

A potentially good aspect of such a relationship is that each of you can provide what the other lacks. Together you could make a well-balanced team. For instance, your husband's thinking and planning provides practicality and attention to detail (such as remembering to check the brakes on the car). Conversely, if you are intuitive and spontaneous, your husband could get the benefit of your interpersonal warmth and your liking to try new things. And, if you influence him to have a good social life, this can improve his health and actually help him live longer.

From your description, it sounds as though the two of you are not realizing the potential you have as a team. There could be many reasons for this, so let's look at some things you might want to consider.

First, it is important that couples with differing personalities have an attitude of acceptance about the other person, even if they don't understand why the person is that way.

Second, sometimes people change things after they get married. Secure that the other person is committed to them, they decide to express aspects of themselves that they had previously suppressed. So, did someone change here? If so, the other person might be feeling betrayed. If that's the case, it's important these feelings are expressed.

Third, your marriage has lasted several years now. Doctor George is wondering whether it's getting worse or whether it has always been this way. If things have worsened, it's important to explore why.

Fourth, are there other factors that you did not mention that make the problems harder? For example, does your husband get jealous when you want to go out with friends? If so, then the two of you could talk about how you can get your social needs met without hurting your husband's feelings. Likewise, does he feel pressured or nagged about not wanting to go out? If so, it's important that you learn to accommodate his tendencies. Typically, a more social person accuses the other of doing nothing. Wanting to be alone, thinking, reading, relaxing are not nothing to your husband. To him, they are legitimate, enjoyable, and fully satisfying activities. Likewise, an introverted person might call your social pursuits running around, which has connotations of being irresponsible and/or flighty. Doctor George is not saying that either of you is accusing the other of these things, but is illustrating how someone can make unfair, negative assessments of another's behavior without appreciation for the corresponding virtues and diversity of that behavior.

Doctor George definitely understands how hard it can be when there are such different orientations in a marriage, and he hopes that your love for each other will motivate you to learn how to accept and make the most of the differences between you.

After riding in my car with me, the other day, my boyfriend said he thinks I have road rage. He pointed out that I often swear and mutter derogatory names, under my breath, to other drivers. He said it stresses him out, especially after I gave the finger to someone who cut me off. I said it's just normal but I was wondering whether you think my boyfriend was right. Do I have road rage?

Doctor George commends you for your willingness to look honestly at yourself. Yes, signs of road rage do include the actions you describe, plus others such as: honking your horn or flashing your lights (other than as a legitimate warning), retaliating (cutting in front of, tailgating, braking sharply or slowing down after passing), speeding, wishing other drivers would crash, breaking traffic laws when no one else is around, and getting into a verbal and/or physical altercations with other drivers.

There are many inconsiderate drivers. In fact, most of us are probably inconsiderate at one time or another, such as when we're under pressure and in a hurry, but there are times when other drivers' seem to go beyond being hurried, to a lack of consideration, to downright rudeness and disrespect. For instance, when someone cuts in front of us, and then slows down, we often respond as if the other driver is intentionally obstructing us. At times like this, our frustration can tip us over the edge into rage.

Fueling our rage is the false sense of power we have when we're in a car. Since we're driving a two-thousand pound piece of metal, we feel much more formidable than we do at other times. This false sense of power gives us permission to go from frustration to rage: something we normally don't do when we feel more physical risk.

Our sense of instinctual territorialism contributes to, and even makes us feel justified in, our rage. In our cars, we have an expanded sense of personal space that stretches out a few hundred feet. Thus, we feel we have exclusive rights to that zone, and we resent others for entering without our permission.

The lack of control, that we feel from not getting our way, is increased when our life feels out of control. People cutting us off represent an entire world out to get us. If we're feeling like a loser already, then we will fight anyone taking anything more from us, such as our right to get where we're going as fast and unhindered as we desire. If we encounter crowds in our day-to-day life, there can also be a feeling that there are not enough resources to go around, and we feel a need to hurry to get ours before they're all gone.

Problems on the road become symbolic of our not getting anywhere in our lives. The distraction of the external frustration of driving can be an excuse to blame others instead of examining how we are leading our lives. We displace our bad feelings about ourselves onto our experiences on the highway. And, the fact that we feel anonymous in our car, makes us feel we can get away with uncivilized behavior.

Even with all of these contributing factors to road rage, there are things we can do to help the situation. For instance, every time we get in the car, we can tell ourselves that people will probably drive badly and that we are not going to take it personally. We can leave earlier and reduce the impact of other people's behavior. We can examine our lives and seek to achieve a balance, so that we are not so busy that we are always in a hurry. There are advantages to moving at a slower, more contemplative pace: we can better appreciate the good things in our lives.

We can adopt the attitude that other drivers are free to do anything they please and that we will not retaliate. We just let them cut in front of us if they want to. We don't exaggerate the importance of a relatively small thing in the bigger picture of life. If we can overlook the incident, we find that our rage will usually dissipate after a couple of minutes anyway.

Another (admittedly sort of weird) technique is to imagine that we are space travelers and the other cars are asteroids and meteors that may cross our path at any time. We see the cars merely as objects, and as such they do not have it in for us; they are just part of a dangerous environment. So, we must use defensive driving by planning for them, avoiding them and not taking their intrusions personally.

For those who are not helped by the above-mentioned suggestions, it's possible that the road rage (among other disproportionate expressions of rage) is the result of unresolved issues from the past. In those cases, professional counseling can be effective.

So Rager, this is a very long answer to a very short question; and, as you noticed, Doctor George did not directly diagnose your behavior. The reason is that, with this information, it's a question you can answer on your own. Many of us, including Doctor George, would do well to examine our behavior while driving and elsewhere. And, all of us can stand to either develop or increase our level of graciousness. It might be surprising to some that engaging in gracious behavior counters our feelings of road rage. After all, etiquette evolved in society to keep the beast within each of us under control. Being polite keeps us safe from the more primitive reactions humans are capable of. Graciousness empowers us with others because we are in control of our own actions and reactions. And, when we act with kindness towards others, we stand a better chance of being kinder to ourselves.